I wanted to like Sarah Jessica Parker’s dress, I really did, because I love the big, fancy gowns on Oscar night. But I just couldn’t.

It just didn’t cut it. While the skirt was nice and full, it was missing something. There was nothing dazzling about it. The bodice was nice but it was a bit distracting to have SJP’s breasts standing up and waving hello to everyone.

And I didn’t get the belt. At all. Matching color aside, it just didn’t look like it went with the dress. It was almost as though she yanked it out of her pants and threw it around her waist for the hell of it at the last minute.

Overall, it had potential but was an actual snoozefest of a red carpet dress, hooters and all.